Panic! At the *insert location*!

So, a lot has changed since last we spoke. Firstly, I've been bladdy ill. Unfortunately not the kind of illness where you can milk the outward symptoms to the max (those are the best), but the kind where some observers believe it's being put on, or exaggerated, or it's all in my head. Well, they'd be partially right on the last point. I have a condition called Labyrinthitis (not Bowie related - sorry if you've already seen this pun repeated on Twitter and Facebook ad nauseum), which is basically damage to the inner ear, usually due to infection, a head injury, or a multitude of other possible reasons. When it is uncompensated (i.e. the brain finds it difficult to re-adjust given the ear damage), it can lead to balance problems, dizziness, faintness, feeling like the ground is moving or jolting, tinnitis, headaches, sensitivity to light and other sensory stimuli etc, and the real bastard of the whole thing: anxiety and panic attacks.

I didn't appreciate just how terrifying panic attacks were until I started having them; I don't think anyone can. The overwhelming feeling of fear is something I've never experienced before, and although my parents tried to get me to breathe through it and assure me that it wouldn't last, I was genuinely scared that it would go on all night. Since the first attack, I've had ongoing anxiety that varies in intensity day-by-day. I've been prescribed diazepam in the short term to deal with the acute symptoms, but I'm on a tiny dose now and some days I go without it completely. Plus I'll shortly be starting cognitive behavioural therapy (luckily I have Bupa through work, so I shouldn't have to join some long arse waiting list), as well as going to see a consultant about my ears. I hate that my anxiety has taken away so much of my independence, and has made me call in sick several times, but luckily most people have been incredibly understanding. It was actually my boss, who I expected to be really annoyed at my absence, who said one of the nicest things about the whole situation - that being "I know you're not faking it." That was a massive relief, because I hate letting people down, and as there's still so much awkwardness about mental health it was actually great to have someone talk honestly and openly about it. His next words were, and I quote, "if I thought you were putting it on, I would have been like, for fuck sake Jenah!" Awesome.

Now begins the road to recovery. I know that getting over my panic and anxiety issues won't be a linear process, but I hope the CBT will give me the tools to deal with it better. Fingers crossed!

Unfortunately I haven't really been on many adventures since all this started. I did, however, go to a very nice members-only cocktail bar for my friend Jess' birthday, where the beautiful waiter made me an even more beautiful non-alcoholic peach and passion fruit cocktail. I had to keep it teetotal due to the meds, but the proper cocktails looked frickin' awesome too! They also played Marvin Gaye, so I was all kinds of impressed. We had munch at The Diner beforehand, which was yum yum yummy as always. It was so great just to get out and be kind of normal for an afternoon. I'm going to attempt shopping this weekend, because I am in desperate need of hair dye.

Oh yeah, I dyed my hair RED. Properly. As in permanently. Air five! As I'd had an absolute fucking mare with the John Frieda Go Blonder stuff (I wanted to just add a bit of a golden tint to my light brown hair, and I ended up revealing myself to be somewhat of a secret ginger - this will undoubtedly come up in therapy), I decided to take advantage of the bleaching and go red. It looked even more awesome than I could have dreamed of, but now I've got some badman roots. Apparently my hair grows quite fast. Motherfucker. So yeah, I need to dye it as a matter of urgency.

Work is fine - I'm starting to feel a bit antsy and eager for change, but there's a chance I may get promoted soon, so it might be worth staying for now. Plus I have a deep love for my health insurance. Maybe not the best reason for staying with an employer, but yeah. I'll definitely still be there as long as I need therapy, put it that way!

So that's it, you're updated. I can't think of anything else and my Chinese is on its merry way. I will leave you with a quote from a rapper in the episode of The Simpsons where Bart does that cringey 8-Mile tribute thing:

Now let's go murder our enemies. Peace.