Don't call me contra, til you've tried.

My anxiety is all over the place at the minute. Some days I'm OK, other days it creeps up on me because I'm under a bit of stress, and occasionally it acts up just to be a bastard. Like today. I was supposed to be going to see my friend's boyfriend do stand up comedy tonight, but a bit of panic fun in the supermarket has put a stop to that. Far be it from me to expect normality, or dare I say, a social life.

I've been crying a lot lately. I'm a notorious crier, but things seems to be getting a bit too much of late. I think it's because it's 7 months down the line, and I'm still not cured. Every little knock feels like I'm back at square 1. Plus I'm at the stage where I can't really remember what it's like to be truly rested. I fall asleep simply because I am so shattered, not because I'm relaxed, and I have a few blissful minutes in the morning after I wake up before the usual heart-pounding, thoughts-racing, adrenaline-dizzy bullshit starts all over again. I appreciate that a lot of people have it far worse than me, for excruciatingly long periods of time, but I'm finding it increasingly difficult to deal. I'm seriously considering asking my GP for anti-depressants; it's a route I was adamant I would never take, but I can understand why people end up taking them.

However, I must be an optimist at heart, because I still have high hopes for the future. I still want to do a job I love, maybe even PhD, buy that drop-top Mini, glide into a pair of size 10 skinny jeans (I'll take US size 10 as a compromise), and run a half-marathon on a whim just because I can. I still want to meet a cute boy I can watch Question Time with, and Star Wars, and maybe even Mean Girls (probably pushing it!?), who I'll grow old and senile with in a sprawling beach house on the South coast. I want to be able to go to the pub with my friends without worrying about whether I'm going to panic. Fuck it, I want to get to the stage where I can't even remember what a full-on panic feels like. I still believe I can achieve this. I know that life can and will get better, and the only person who can make all of this happen is me. Now all I need is the confidence to actually do it.

Fingers crossed.